Have you ever wondered if God sits up on His high throne and keeps writing or lets say in the modern world keep blogging. Each person has its own personal blog and he continues to write. Once He runs out of words, He stops blogging.
I often think think this way. Its my little fantasy world I visit during my prayers. I ll walk you through it today.
I walked into the golden gates. everyone was dressed in white overalls and golden slippers. They all look so divine. But none of them ever seem to look at you, like you didnt exists. Well I am not technically one of them, not yet so then how can they see me right? Well moving on from the stereo type image of heaven. I saw Him – Yes God. He sat up there on a simple chair, nothing fancy. He was rigourously typing something on his well white Mac Book. There was this imaginary wall that stood between Him and me. I wanted to reach out to HIm, but I just could not. I needed prayers to break down this wall, to unlock the gates. So i closed my eyes, bowed my head and said, ” God I really need You. I need to reach You. I need You to answer me – just Why? i opened my eyes He was looking straight at me. His eyes had the compassion and love I had never seen or felt. i was almost drawn to Hm. I walked through the imaginary walls like they never existed. He smiled at me, almost expecting me to visit Him- again. He asked me to be seated.
God held out His hand and held it. i started crying uncontrollably. I had lost all my strength. He said, ” What brings you here my child?” I gathered my breath and wipped my tears. Sat up straight and looked Him in the eye. I had travelled all this distance and said this to myself a million times. I just had to get the answer. And there it went, ” Why O God do you show us one dream and realize another? Why do you turn our paths down a road we have never tread before? Away from the familiarity of our own? God why have I caused so much pain to the one I once loved so much? Why if this is your will, it hurts so much? and most importantly, why do I feel guilty of being truely happy?
He didnt have to google search in His MacBook for answers, He knew why I was here and knew what bothered me. He leant back on His chair. his white rob and golden threads shining bright. It was radiant. He got up and walked towards me. He said, ” Do you trust me Susan? Do you trust that I love you and that I everything I have planned for your life is for your good.” I would be lying if I said yes. Jus how can you stand in the presence of God and lie? So i looked away and said “No, I dont think I do. But I want to God. I struggle everyday to just trust you and let you work in me. But then the day goes by and I never let go of my control. i just never learn to submit completely.”
“Susan, how did you get here? With faith and determination right? Who guided you along the road? Your faith and belief right? What made you not stop in your path and give up? Your faith and zeal to learn the truth right? then when you can reach God with that determination, with that faith what can you not achieve? What can you not earn for yourself? What feels like a momentary stop and bump in the road is a way to a blissful life ahead a safety sign that will save you to lead to a road that is not for you, that is rocky and leads to a dead end. You may find this very terrifying, you may loose hope and faith, you may not see as your best moment, of course its not but then how can anything look good if you havent seen the worse?” “Stop feeling the way you feel. Stop loosing faith. What else do you have any way besides Faith and Hope?”
“God I understand this but can you tell me just why all this happened? Why is it that we all have to acquaint ourselves with a reality none of us wanna deal with? Why this pain, if its meant for our good? Why this guilt if we are forgiven?A thunder, a lightening and a message that read ‘God is soverign’. All of a sudden a storm came by and I was pulled into the whirlwind. I found myself sitting at my window pane looking up into the sky. A thunder, a lightening, a message that read ‘God is Soveriegn.’ On the far end my laptop buzzed. Ping-Ping – Ping/ I saw my google chat. It read ” I love you and I am always going to look after you. Have faith and trust me – Forever.”
I realised thatnight the mistake we all make, we think we have figured God and His plan out. He gave us the lead and we think we know the whole story. Thats never true. So I learnt it that day that I will never think that i have figured my life out. I will never take anything I have for granted. I will never try and even think I am in control, cause I know now I am not. He is. Has always been – Soveriegn.
That night I did not get a direct answer to my questions, but my quest is over. That night did not solve the problem but gave me the strength to deal with it. That night everything remained the same- the situation, the suffering, the pain and us, but everything had changed – the way I looked at things, the way I would deal with it and the way I would lead my life.
Haunted by images of tomorrow, I seek God, I serach for Him, Haunted by my mistakes my sins, I seek God, I yearn for his forgiveness. Holding on to whats not mine, I hang on to the strings of the past. I let go I let go but how long before I know, they are not mine. Just what can we do but resign to our faith, just what can we do but truely believe and rest our faith. Just lie somone once told me “Everything that happens happens for the good”. I now wanna beleive and tell myself that he might just be true or maybe thats the only way to tell myself that it is…