Month: August 2010

To my loving sister

Twenty six years later, I stood there in a strange room, that didn’t belong to us, staring at the most beautiful women ready to start a new life. So much had changed in these years, for one we had grown up.

She held my hand and led me home each day safely from school and back. She came running into my classroom each time I fell and skinned my knees. She would apologize to the teachers and principal to overlook my mischief. And she always took the blame for me when it came to my father. She covered all my lies convincingly. She stood up for me even when I was wrong, she sheltered and protected me for as long as now. We did not only share the same room, but we shared our dreams, our fears, our future, our thoughts and our love. With time we got distant. We didn’t feel the need to talk or discuss our emotions after all we were now too grown up for that. It started with having separate rooms, moving to separate cities and finally working in different time zones. We barely saw each other, talking was a novelty. We met only on weekends, only to discuss our plans with our friends and which new places to try. The innocence in our relationship was lost. the hand which once held on to me so tightly was let loose and I had gone far beyond.

When I looked at her all dressed up in her brides dress. I couldn’t help but cry. When did she get this big? Wasn’t it only yesterday she told me she was in love? Wasn’t it only yesterday she said she was having troubles with him? Wasn’t it only yesterday she said Susan, he proposed to me? I almost closed my eyes shut hoping I was only dreaming. But I was not. She was really going to walk out of this silly room, never to return to share it with me.  She said she will always be there, but can one really share the same emotions? I hugged her for the last time as Parizad F Kutar, as she was going to go and get herself a new life, a new beginning and a new identity – Parizad N Thakker. I wished her well, o kissed her cheek, a mental goodbye to my sister. It was my turn now, I held  tight. They were sweaty and she looked nervous. Just like old times, we never needed to say anything one look and we knew. I just smiled at her, whispered ” Pari this is the best day of your life, go ahead and have a ball”. I walked her to the car and though she almost ran into the hall I would like to put it as I walked her down the aisle too. She was the prettiest bride I had ever seen. So wonderful and radiant. Like I was seeing a whole new person. One look at her husband and she lost all her fears and tension and she smiled. That’s when I let go off her hand. She did not belong here by my side any more. She was to be by the side of her husband now.

Laughter roared in the house as we took my parents case, or when we poked fun on everyone we knew. Long serious chats about, love, life career, friends. Things we did wrong, things we did right. Opinions and advice both curt and hurtful but absolutely necessary. Too many coffee bottles later we were best friends and advisors. I didn’t have to cry for her to know I was sad, I didn’t have to say that i need her, she just knew when to knock on my door and say “Susan, do you need to talk?” And there all my bottled emotions would well up. As children I always wanted to be like my sister. Eventhough we are poles apart. I would try to dress like her, speak like her, eat like her cause for me she was the best. She is the only one who knows when her little sister needs her. And as I write this and as she reads it I know she will call and ask if I am ok.

21st June 2010, a day that gave my sister everything and took away from me my only shoulder to cry on and hand to hold on to. That night as I walked into the empty hotel room, I cried in the loneliness. I turned to the empty side of the bed and realized it will never be the same again. She was not coming back to share the room with me, only to leave again. She will never again walk into my room with a hot cup of coffee and a commanding tone ‘we need to talk’. She will never be the same sister I knew. Now don’t get me wrong. I am very happy for her. And she has found the perfect husband. Neil is a great guy maybe one reason I think  it was easier to let go. That was a very emotional day for all of us, This little Fairy – Pari who came to my parents as their first-born, to me as my only sister was going to leave all those wonderful memories behind to make new ones. It was a mixed moment, happiness filled with sadness. Today a Father gave away his daughter, a mother gave away her child and companion and a sister gave away her only confidant.

I still wake up each morning to see her seated on the sofa, stirring her cup of coffee (the constant ting ting that woke me up in the first place) and watching tv at any given hour of the day. I would come out half asleep making my way to the kitchen and without fail say ‘ Good morning”.  Now when I wake up I see an empty couch, a silent TV and an untouched cup.

I never realized saying goodbye to all those memories will be so difficult. I was in denial till the day I was left alone in the room. Pabi (that’s what I called her as I could not say r), I never said this before and choose to say this publicly, ” I may have not been a perfect sister. I may have been real little help to you when you needed me. I know I was self-absorbed but still you understood and let me be. Even on the last days you stepped up to being my big sister, my strength. You had problems of your own but you knew I really needed you then and you gave up everything even a day before the wedding and stood by my side to make sure I was ok. I may have failed to show you how much you mean to me?  How much I love you? But sister no one can ever take your place. God bless you and your new life. I am always here. It’s my turn to be there for you. So please allow me to be by your side as you always been on mine.”

I will always thank God to give me such a wonderful sister. I have a lot to thank you for, but to most importantly thank you for giving me my identity, my name – Susan. Remember Pabi – you the one who selected this name for your baby sister. I can imagine you looking down at me when i must be barely a few days old and thinking, I will always love and protect her. And that’s exactly what you did all these years. thank you. Love you.

Down that road again.

Dead End
Image by Barb Henry via Flickr

 Charles Swindoll – ‘More often than not, when something looks like its the absolute end, it is really the beginning.’ 

How many wrong turns and dead ends will it take for you to reach where you ought to be? Aren’t you tired yet? Most of us go through life searching for that one thing that makes us happy. For some its money, for others it maybe love. For some it maybe fame, for some success. Each time you find it, technically speaking, you have reached the end of the road. Right? And you start searching for something else again.. It’s a vicious cycle. You need to break out of it. Now truly answer me this. Why do relationships break or turn into a big hassle? Why do we yearn to have someone in our lives to complete us and when we finally find them we question if that’s what we were looking for in the first place? Why are we never truly happy? Why do we look out of relationships for love? Why do we disregard or take for granted the one in our lives? Why do we sometimes ruin the only good thing in life?

I have pondered on each of these questions. I have for so long prayed to meet the one and live a happy life. I was living that up untill I reached the end of my road with him. I was afraid, this road was not meant to end. It was to unwind into a long and beautiful journey that we were soon going to tread on. After 5 years of walking down this path together how could it be the end? Something was terribly wrong. I turned around and tried looking at the starting point – where it all began. We were two people who were lonely and oblivious to the world in our own way. We started our walk, first slowly and in the presence of God. The road was not easy, it had its share of bends and rocky patches, but we thought we had it all in control. At one point we stood at the crossroads of life. He had to take a different path. We promised we will meet at the other end. At the decided place at a decided time. We promised to be there for each other and we moved on. I walked down the same path and he took the right turn to walk down his. Who knew that we would never meet at the said place. That we would not be standing where we promised to meet. That our paths will never meet again. Our relationship had reached the ‘absolute end’.

My new beginning made me realize what had gone wrong. We kept Him out of the picture. We thanked Him occasionally, knelt and prayed for our love but never truly had Him in our lives. And how can any relationship sustain when its lost its very essence – the blessing of our Lord. In the past few months I withdrew from the world. I was drawn closer to God. He was the only one who would see me for what I am – good and bad and still love me unconditionally. I realized what I was searching for so long. It was the presence of God in my life. And I have found Him today and aint letting go. I heard this from a very wise lady when we were discussing relationship and she ll recall when she reads this. ” For any relationship to work it must flow from God, it must be God’s will. Only then that relationship blossoms into what it truly meant to be – complete. You will be surprised how you don’t need anything else to make a relationship work. No amount of money, status, prestige, success and luxury can make you feel loved. You only require God from Him comes everything else. The strength to fight, the strength to face the rocky ways and the ability to love truly.

So if you have been going to clubs and coffee places to search for love you are in the wrong place. If you are joining clubs and sorority to find true love you are seriously lost. If you are trying hard to ensure the other person loves you, I must say you wasting your time. Just focus all your energy in finding God and most importantly keeping Him at the center of your life and everything you do. You will be amazed how everything else fall in place. It’s only when my whole world shattered, I heard the voice. Only when I saw the broken pieces I realized I needed Him to help me become whole again. As you are reading this you know what you have to do, but I am sure you won’t choose the easy way out. Like me you will want to reach the end of the road to find the new beginning or shall I say the only right beginning. So I wish you luck – hope you realize what you keeping out of your life before it’s too late.

Next Post: In this post I have concentrated on highlighting myy absolute end. In the next one I will talk about my new beginning.

FAITH..

We walk by Faith, not by sight. – 2 Corinthians 5:7

We often lose patience with God. We often hear ourselves complain, why me God? Why not now? Why this? We never understand why what we prayed so hard for is never given to us or worse the exact opposite happens or even what you have little off is taken away from you. We all have been through that emotion. Even a saint or a minister is not spared.

I was one of you. Who cursed the heaven above to have a personal grudge against me. I had a theory I would like to share. But let me make this absolutely clear, this was what I believed before God openedd my heart and worked in me. So as ashamed I am to state this now, I believed that God took away the one thing you love the most and you know you can’t live without to create a need. A need for Him in your life. Now think logically, when do we seek God, when we are troubled and when are we truely troubled, when something near and dear to us is taken away. I held that belief for so long and everytime I lost somone to Him, I would look up and mentally make a note: God – 5, Susan – 0. But I realised how wrong I was. God is not my enemy, He loves me and He is the one who created me, nurtured me and looked after me for so long. I am apologetic to even make the above point, but I know there maybe a few more like me who are still entertaining these thoughts and I wanna help them to stop and not make the same mistake I made. I kept the best thing of my life away from me for so long. Today I have found Him and I will never let Him go. My attempt is for each one to feel this love, fulfillment and happiness that I have been blessed with. And I would still be akin to it had not Lord streched out His loving hand to lift me up and embrace me.

Three months ago I put my weapons down and stoped fighting God. I read the Scriptures daily and knew the reason I was not truely happy all these years. I am not saying I was not happy, but let see hmm ya- I discovered the true meaning of bliss. Thats the word-Bliss. In God you not only happy and content but an alternate sense of bliss. I am digressing, I must warn you I do that a lot. So coming back. Imagine if all those incidents I prayed for did take place, all those people still existed in my life, would I be where I am today? Would I be in constant wake and presence of my God? I am guessing not. I may yet not be able to comprehend why things and future shaped the way it did, but then who am I to question Fate?

I am convinced today that God has a blueprint for all of us. He is the only one who knows what happens next. But then you ask me what purpose do we have, if everything is done anyway by God’s will why should I even try? I am glad you thinking this way atleast you have accepted that God and not you are in control. So to answer, each one of us have a choice. Every path we tread on has two roads, one which is right but difficult and other which seems easy but wrong. Now if you have chosen the later once too many times in your life then its about time you realized, you have kept God away for too long and its time to seek Him. So you see, a person who has God at his center will never choose the later. So you see how each factor is related to the other. Your part is to only accept that you need Him in your life, rest will fall in place.

I understand having faith is not easy. I know even submitting to Lord completely is hard. I am a regular person, but yet in His reign I feel like I am unique and most special. Thats the power of faith. I know that nothing but the best is in store for me. And if what seems like the best now does not happen for you then you must know that you were wrong, this was not the best to begin with. I am a regular person, I have sensed fear and pain, cried endlessly and thought things would never look good for me again. I had lost my faith, my hope, my happiness. But I did the best thing I knew how to do, closed my eyes and prayed. Prayed for Him to lift me up and restore my faith. I know a practical person may scoff this off ( I did too once, so trust me when i say this) but God will show you His will. It may be through the simplest of the things. In my case I had subscribed to these daily bible verses and each day the verse told me to hold on, be strong and that things will get fine, I just need to have my faith and I would smile and feel stronger. I would survive a day longer. Two things you need to understand – God works at His own pace and He will give only what is best for you. So be patient and have faith. He has never given up on you and never will, the least one can expect is that you wait and have faith.

So if the next time you see a bend, trust Him to make it straight. If you see a bump ahead, trust Him to make it smooth. If you can’t see the end, trust Him to guide you through. I will leave you with a thought by Charles Swindoll – ‘More often than not, when something looks like its the absolute end, it is really the beginning.’ ( In my next post I will elaborate on this thought)

First Walk..

To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. – Titus 1:15

How interesting is that thought? Have you ever pondered why you feel upset, unsettled and heavy-hearted at most occasion? Is it because of the guilt of something you have done or is it because of the pain you hold inside of you? Neither one of us can answer that by ourselves cause we are not capable.

I was conciously walking down a wrong path for months. Filled with lies, deciet and abusing ones intelligent and a beautiful and trusting relationship. I did so with such ease that one could safely say that my conscience was dead. But I was not alone in this mess. I had dragged too many people into it and one day I woke up to realize I was too down under.

Somewhere in between, I met God’s messenger. We started talking about God in general, our faith, how I perceived Him, she read verses out of Scriptures to show me where my understanding was wrong and how the only way to make all things right was to admit they were wrong. I never believed. How can it be that simplified? I mean are you seriously mocking my intelligence? After fighting God for what seemed like 3 months I broke down. I had to admit I was in a mess that no one could get me out of. I was at the verge of loosing everything.

Now people, I will share with you how it all happened. I will share because I – the one who has mocked and laughed upon people talking about life changing experiences, witnessed one.

One late Sunday evening I was calling it a day. i left the hospital room my father was admitted to and got into this huge hospital lifts that generally creep me out. No one was in it, now that was rare. I was too tired and caught up in my own thoughts to really care anyway. I had 6 floors to go, so i stood there in silence. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was a very comforting touch. i turned to look and there He was, My Father, My Lord. He simply smiled at me with compassion and forgiveness and said – ” Its time, You know what you have to do.” I actually had no clue of what He was talking. I was just trying to take all this in. He moved back at the end of the huge lift. i turned behind He stood there smiling. Knowing too well I will do what is right. The button flashed red and indicated that we had hit ground zero. I walked out and there stood in front of me bunch of people crowded to get in. I got out looked behind and searched really hard. There had to be somone in there, this seemed too real. I jus discounted this incident too be my mind playing games. i called Aunty Mary the next day and told her what had happened. She only suggested I pray and let God work in me. So i did. I accepted I was a sinner and that i am incapable of living without having Him in my life. That He will control and guide my life in the way He wants me to go, forthis day onwards His will shall be mine.

It was that day and today, I have been through a series of miracles, each of which I hope to describe at length in my later post. He made m path straight. I now look nowhere else, I seek no more, cause I found that one thing I have always been searching for.

I sincerely request all of you who think that you are incharge of your life or that you are capable of leading a life without god in the picture, let me tell you you are kidding yourself. It’s so sad that we dont recognize that He is with us when we make all the wrong choices and yet when we are hurt and in pain for choosing those He still standing on the other end to lift us up. How wonderul and merciful is our God and yet we choose to turn our backs. I am glad He found me when He did or I would be one of you reading this blog on someone elses page and wondering like you are right now..